1.3.14

I just finished reading Blackbird House by Alice Hoffman.  I liked it, but not as much as other books written by her.  It was a wandering book that covered hundreds of years, with loneliness and self-preservation running a strong theme.  I didn’t feel great after reading it; there’s no grand resolution.  The book could go on and on, generation after generation, but I guess it has to end sometime.

Driving was hairy this morning.  I hate driving in bad weather in Delaware.  Everyone with 4 wheel drive was blasting down the road, as if that will stop them from losing control on the considerable ice sheets that had formed in the night.  I was in that crappy rental car, and as I was turning into the office a HUGE pickup truck slammed on the gas and tried to pull past me, losing control.  As I stared out my window at the tire that was level with my face, I sensed a bit of my own mortality and regretted not buying the additional rental insurance.  All’s well that end’s well, though, as the truck managed to regain control and slow down a bit so the little cars could make their way through easier.

My car is back home!  At first, no one at the body shop had reported to work because of the weather, so the front office called me and asked would I mind picking my car up on Monday?  Sure, why not?  Saves me from having to drive too much in the weather.  Then, a couple hours later, they called back.  A couple shop guys showed up, and my car was all finished and ready for me!  I left work a little early, returned the thorn in my side rental car, and picked up my beauty!  My car is in great shape!  It looks brand new, inside and out.  The shop made perfect repairs, washed and waxed it, and detailed the interior a bit!  They got out most of the silly putty Stephen ground into the upholstery last summer!  They are heroes!  I love them!  I may have to use Yelp! for the first time in my life to brag about a company!

My plans this weekend include reading, knitting, taking pictures of old knitting projects that I never uploaded to Ravelry, and just chilling out in general.  Single digit temps tonight and Saturday, but Sunday it will be all the way to 40F!  Say what?!  I may go out for church and Zumba, no promises.

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1.2.14

I’m home with a frozen pizza tonight, thinking about the snow falling outside and wondering how heinous my drive to work will be tomorrow.  I know people who grew up in the frozen tundra, who can drive across an ice rink and never lose control.  I am not that person.  I’m in a crappy rental car that I may be returning tomorrow if my car is done at the shop, and I am not happy about having to drive in bad weather in a car that I am not familiar with.

When discussing weather at work I always say, “It’s not going to amount to anything.  The weathermen are filthy liars.  They want you to think it’s the worst storm ever so you will keep watching their channel.”  I’m not that person who looks at the highest possible accumulation and says that’s what’s going to happen.  Or immediately says they aren’t coming to work just because of something that may or may not be happening the next day.  I’d rather tough it out and save my vacation days for the summer.  Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by all these Nervous Nellies that just make me more and more nervous, so I have to be the dissenting voice…even if I may be totally wrong.  Someone has to be a Pollyanna, right?

Do I just internalize this nervousness more than others?  Are they able to keep going on and on about things like massive snowfall and taking their lives in their hands to drive 5 miles to work (someone really said this at work today), but then once they are home they can turn it off?  When I am around people like that I get more and more worked up and nervous.  Like I can’t even stand myself I’m so anxious.

1.1.14.201

I don’t know about this whole resolution thing anymore.  I’ve got some goals, but mostly I’m going to work on caring about the important things and not giving a damn about the rest of it.  I quit smoking last year, but that was sort of by accident, and not a resolution, so I think that’s how I’m going to roll with it this year.  Let good things happen, release harmful, toxic patterns and behavior. 
Be safe, everybody.  Love and be loved.  That’s what it’s all about.

Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

But the very next day, you gave it away.

I canNOT get this song out of my head.  It runs in continual loop since I heard it Monday afternoon.  I have woken up with this song in my head for the past two mornings.  It’s like I am even singing it in my sleep.  Help me, please.

I am completely overwhelmed with Christmas.  I have to make fudge and bake cookies this weekend, while finishing a quilt and knitting a sweater.  Well, a sweater sleeve.  An hour to weave in ends (it’s striped), and a good wash and block and you can put that bad boy in the books.  It’s a lot to get done in just a few days.

So why am I browsing stuffed animal patterns to knit over the weekend?

My bad.

I was in a car accident yesterday.  It was my fault, I was rushing and I rear-ended the SUV in front of me.  Fortunately, we were both stopped at a light, and so the damage was minimal…but my nice car has to go in the shop.  The rear fender of the SUV was banged up too, a few scratches and a dent.  This post isn’t really about the accident, though.  It’s about what happened in the minutes after.

A man jumped out of the passenger side of the SUV and immediately yelled, “You just bought this son-of-a-bitch!”  He hadn’t even looked at the damage.  Then he said he just had back surgery.  And cancer.

Jesus.

I felt bad, you know?  I felt horrible.  I felt like a terrible-driving shithead.  I was shaken by the accident, and upset at being yelled at, and promptly locked my keys in my running car.  At least my cell phone was in my coat pocket.  At least I had my coat on.  I called 911, I called AAA, I called my dad, I called everyone and their uncle.  I took pictures of the damage.  I stood in the 19F wind and waited.  The woman driving the SUV asked if I wanted to get in their truck and I said no.  I would rather have frozen on the sidewalk than get in that truck.

I talked to my 6’8″ ex-husband last night after everything had settled down, and when I told him about the angry man he said, “I wish I had been there.  I would have gotten out of the car with that face I make and he wouldn’t have even gotten out of the truck, let alone yelled at someone.  You got out of the car and he saw a little girl he could push around and scare.”  And he is totally right!

Even worse, what happens after?  What happens when he tells people about the accident?  How will he describe me?  Will he say they were hit by a woman?  Or will he call me a bitch, a cunt, a who-knows-what-all?

I have only been in one other accident in my life, nearly 20 years ago.  I was dating my now ex-husband, who worked for an auto parts store.  He was following me when I had the accident, so he met the man driving the other car.  Because Sussex County is small, the man I hit came into that shop to get parts.  He told my ex “Some little bitch slammed into me.”  My ex made sure he explained that the “little bitch” is his girlfriend and he saw the whole accident.  Suddenly the man’s demeanor changed.  You know how it is pal, har har har.

Now I am labeled as “some woman driver.”  Never mind that I have had two accidents ever in my life…no driving tickets at all…a car that doesn’t have so much as a door ding.  I am just “some woman driver.”

Do I wish I were a super-sized man?  Do I wish people would look at me the way they look at my ex?  Do I wish I made more money and could keep short hair and wear jeans and boots and not have to shave my legs and pits and worry about my bikini line and command respect just because I have a penis?  Yeah, sometimes.  I know my intelligence, I know my capabilities, I know my driving record and none of it matters because I have a vagina.

Purple Haze

When I was a smoker, I always said there was nothing worse than having a cigarette and no way to light it.  It is much the same with coffee and coffee filters.  Lucky for me, what I thought was one mangled, almost-unusable coffee filter was actually TWO mangled coffee filters, so I was saved until I could get to the dollar store for a new stack.

The natural foods store that I frequent had a gift fair today, so I got my mom a new recipe book, two handmade soaps, and local blackberry jam.  My niece is getting a tube of perfume and two bars of organic fair trade chocolate, and I got myself a sweet and spicy sugar mix that is perfect for topping homemade breads or rolls.

I got some fresh veggies and snacks, and Stephen got a comic from the comic shop next door.

A good day, but I felt really dopey for about an hour after shopping.  I almost forgot to grab my coffee filters.  I swear sometimes all the incense and herbal influence of that shop opens the third eye and puts me in a very different state of mind.  I love it, but it can be difficult when I am trying to take care of a sick kid at the same time.  Maybe I’m just catching his cold.

Almost done with Christmas shopping, only presents for the two youngest cousins left…and one and a half sleeves left on Stephen’s sweater.

Missing.

Every character needs an out.  You have to give the character a way out of the story in case the story doesn’t work for the character anymore.  You might rely on a single line, stated 300 pages back, and the reader says, Oh yeah, now I understand that line.  You can’t just kill them all off.

Tonight I’m watching the Phils on tv.  I’m drinking a beer.  I have the patio door open, and I am (gasp) smoking a cigarette.  Don’t worry, I don’t have any little lungs around, and I’m properly ventilating.

I feel like my ex husband should be sitting in the blue chair.  I miss having someone to high five when they completely destroy an inning with three home runs in a row.

I don’t miss my ex husband.

I’m not sad that he’s not here.

I love this life I have crafted for myself, but sometimes I think there should be another voice in this house.