Harumph.

Harumph.

Well.  This morning was interesting.  I was running late from the start, unfortunately also making my housemate late in the process…The Dude was upset about me leaving this morning…I said something really unnecessary to my mother-in-law, and she was already upset, so I felt like a heel…I was late to work…and I have a dentist appointment this afternoon.

Normally, I would just be bracing myself for the next awful thing to happen, but I don’t think it has to be that way anymore.  I think I will take this day by the balls and change things.  I think I can change the course of my day by moving forward in a positive direction with something.  So I called the X to arrange to meet and hopefully move in a good direction about the next few months custody arrangements.  I’m going about this in a cathartic, healing way, opening myself to the strength and love that the universe and God have been trying to give me for so long, that I have been pushing away because I wanted to be miserable.  I don’t want to be miserable anymore.

I create my destiny, one day at a time.

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Amazing.

Over the past week something really interesting has been happening.  I smile in the morning, laugh when people try to get under my skin, have been eating good foods with gusto, and smoking less.  I am only a pound and a half from losing a total of twenty pounds.  I am in a great mood, practically skipping in the hallways at work.  There’s only one thing that could make a person feel this way.

I am seriously, head over heels, in LOVE.

I have started a raging love affair…with myself.  I have been singing myself love songs.  The other day I dedicated “Unchained Melody” to myself.  I hugged myself when I woke up this morning.  I feel pretty.  Better yet, I look five years younger.  I don’t know what happened, but something has definitely happened. 

Here are a couple visuals.  First you have a girl in a dark room, cell-like.  She’s crying and screaming for someone to help her.  Next shot: a door opens and light streams in, casting a silhouette in the doorway.  The girl doesn’t know what to think, so she’s scared, but so lonely she will cling to whoever it is standing in that doorway.  Finally, the figure steps through, and she realizes she is looking at herself.

So I guess it is a good thing that I have held off dating and sex.  I would have grabbed onto whoever had opened that door, when the person I really needed to be there was I.  My true self.  Now I can work on taking this scared, lonely girl and introducing her to the confident, funny, intelligent girl who was waiting all this time for an invitation.  Now I can make these two people into one, and find myself again.

It’s not that bad, but it’s not great.

Well, that last post was morbid.

This whole divorce/child custody mish-mash has been going on since January, and I have no idea when it will be resolved.  I don’t know how much I can safely say about all that, so I’m not going to say anything. 

But I think it’s okay for me to talk about my feelings, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I feel ripped-off, taken for a ride, and lost.  I feel confused and sad.  The oddest thing is that while I feel all those negative emotions, I also feel well-rested, safe, and vaguely confident.  It’s hard to recover when you’ve been in the same kind of relationship for so long that it all seems normal, then one day you look at how everyone else is living and say, “This isn’t normal, and it isn’t healthy.”  Even though I know this divorce is good for me, I feel a little like I’ve been tossed into a world that I don’t understand.  I feel manipulated when I look at my peers closely and realize the things in their life that are normal are things I was robbed of.  Most of all, I feel like an idiot.  I mean, I’m smart, capable, educated, and reasonably successful in my career, and I still let my life go in that direction.  Now I’m attending Master’s classes, making friends, and sleeping all night.  I can’t believe this took so long. 

I tried guided meditation with Kundalini movement the other night.  I’ll give you a full report later.  I’m working to cleanse myself, forgive myself, and refocus on who I am.  Who am I?

And my heart is…broken.

Thought I was okay, but I’m not.

Thought I could deal with solitude, but I can’t.

Thought I was through with this.

Didn’t realize how it would feel to imagine him with someone else.

Didn’t know that thought was a downward spiral; a slippery slope back to stage One.

Can’t get past stage Three.

Meditation begs me to forgive, but I can’t.

Prayer has no focus anymore.

Love is gone.

Trust destroyed.

When do I start to breathe again?