WWJD? I sure don’t know.

Hmmm, it’s the last Tuesday of January, the day I’ve dedicated to the NaBloPoMo theme “change,” and I don’t know what to say.

So many things are changing for me right now.  I just want to crawl under my blankets and wake up with all the hard work done and my life set up the way it’s supposed to be.  I understand that you are supposed to pray to God for advice and guidance when you are faced with a difficult decision, but what do you do when there is no answer?  I have been praying about the same question for 6 years now, and when no answer came the first time, I had to make the best decision I knew how to make.  I continue to pray for guidance, and I still don’t know what to do, even though the same problem exists and has shown no signs of alleviation.  I’m not trying to say that God doesn’t answer prayers, I’m asking what do you do when the problem that has been the subject of your prayers for years is reaching a head, and cannot continue on the same path without dire consequences for an innocent bystander?

I understand that if there is anything in your life that may cause you to be less of a Christian you are supposed to get rid of it, but what if that something is also something that the Bible says you should never get rid of?  I know I am talking in secret Bible code, and hopefully those of you that are well-versed in the Bible will understand what I’m talking about here. 

What should I do if change is forced upon me?  What if I think change is the best solution, but God hasn’t given me the go-ahead?  What if I never get the answer from Him, but instead continue to live in a desperate situation?  I need someone to tell me what to do, and tell me it will be okay in the long run.  I just don’t think I can continue under these circumstances.

A time to heal.

“The world is changing, and we must change with it.”

-President Barack Obama

“We’re doing it the Jack Butler way!”

It’s happening again.  I decide to get a little more serious about my writing, start looking around at literary magazines currently accepting submissions, and I start writing poems in my head that I think would meet the standard they are looking for.  FAIL.  See, every literary magazine has a certain voice they are trying to put out there.  Some like edgy and experimental, some like natural stream-of-consciousness, some just want to SHOCK! and AWE!  It does a writer no good to send out their work to a magazine that clearly has no interest in publishing that writer’s style.  Better to spend your energy and postage on a letter to your mom.  Maybe she’ll use the SASE to send you an encouraging note and some money.

Anyway, I’ve been flipping through some of my work and it seems to me that it isn’t total crap.  I mean, it needs some work, for sure, but I can hear a voice starting to emerge.  I’m not sure if I should go back and rewrite the ones that are a little off, the ones that have a good message but no indication of my voice, or if I should leave them alone and use them as tools to remember how much I’ve grown.  I suppose I could make the edits and still keep copies of the originals, but it doesn’t seem right to change their essential being.  It almost seems like I am trying to make them something they’re not.  They are meager little poems, not very well-written, but they are an indication of what I can be.

I’ve been thinking about Cocoa a lot.  I still feel so much grief over his death, and a good amount of guilt.  I am so mad at myself for not recognizing how bad off he was, then not being able to afford the vet treatment that he would have needed to save his life.  I knew all along that something just wasn’t right, and I knew that Himalayans are infamous for never complaining and never letting their owners know they are sick.  I knew when I got him that I would have to keep a quick eye on him to be sure he wasn’t ill and just not letting anyone know.  I feel like I let other issues cloud my judgement and they cost my cat his life.  I don’t think I will ever be able to have another pet.  If hubby and son want to have a dog, or whatever, that is all them.  I just don’t think I can open my heart to that kind of responsibility.

What does any of this have to do with change, the NaBloPoMo theme?  What part of this post isn’t about change?  Something’s moving; something’s stirring in me like the first green petals peeking out of dried up winter leaf piles.

Change.

The NaBloPoMo topic of the month is “change.”  I don’t like change.  At all.  I enjoy the status quot, scheduling my life to the 15 minute increment, and ensuring there are little to no surprises.  I plan menus a week or two in advance and stick to them.  I know exactly where I’m going to be every second of every day. 

There are drawbacks to this; however, and the biggest one is how incredibly boring my life is.  There’s a reason I know where I’m going to be: it’s because I’m either at work or home!  All the time!  Hooray!  My exciting life.  Do we need change to be exciting?  Should we even pursue exciting?  Maybe it’s better to be a little boring, maybe there’s some security there that we crave.  I don’t think that’s bad…I mean, we should enjoy our life, and if that means being a homebody then so be it. 

I think the only time we run into trouble is when we endure the bad just so we can keep the good.  Should a woman stay with a man who hits her just because he makes her laugh?  Should a man stay at a job that gives him ulcers just because he can afford a better car?  ( I almost typed cat in there…that would have been so funny.)  When does change go beyond desirable and become necessary?