Are you kidding me with this?

Fridays are supposed to be happy days, yes?  Everyone’s supposed to be in some great mood because it’s the end of the work week, hallelujah, we all get a couple days off, right?

I start off running late.  Then I get into it with Steve.  Then Stephen spills a whole big bag of goldfish crackers on the kitchen floor.  Then I feel like a tremendous shithead for yelling at him while he sobs, “Sorry, Mommy, sorry!”  Then everyone on the highway freaks out because of this terrifying water falling from the sky!  Someone get the wise-woman of the tribe, maybe she can understand what this must portend!  Then I fight with Steve a little bit more on the cell phone.  Then I’m ten minutes late to work.  Then this woman who sits next to me decides to walk to the cafe with me when I just want to be left alone.  Now (as in, right this second), she’s complaining about the work she has to do to get the job done right.  She’s looking at me typing like mad to get this post done in my break time and she doesn’t care.  SIGH.

After eating a big bowl of homefries and drinking a big mug of coffee I do feel better, thanks for asking, but I could use a little more java.  Run and get that for me, would you?

We decided last night to convert the crib to a toddler bed when Stephen tried to climb out and lost his grip, hitting his face on the railing, then later he tried to climb out on the high part and got stuck and was so scared he was shaking.  I think I’d rather deal with the terror of him getting out of bed at night over the drama of him busting his lip or breaking a leg.  I went to Wally World to look for one of those doorknob covers (thanks, Kat!), but they were out, so I got a screamer alarm.  You put it on your door and when the seal of your door is broken, there is an alarm so loud a deaf person couldn’t sleep through it.  So that’s done, last night was his first night in the bed, and he did a pretty good job!  He was in and out about a dozen times before he stayed in an fell asleep, and when I would go in his room and make him get back into bed he went willingly, no crying or anything, he just didn’t stay there!  Once he was asleep he slept through the night, didn’t fall out of the bed, and when he woke up in the morning he came right into our room and got into bed just like every other day!  Success!  I figure about a week of my special, super-secret, never fails sleep training and we should be good to go.  Thanks to everyone who gave me suggestions, and no thanks at all to the people who laughed at me (Robin and Barb, I can hear you from here).

WWJD? I sure don’t know.

Hmmm, it’s the last Tuesday of January, the day I’ve dedicated to the NaBloPoMo theme “change,” and I don’t know what to say.

So many things are changing for me right now.  I just want to crawl under my blankets and wake up with all the hard work done and my life set up the way it’s supposed to be.  I understand that you are supposed to pray to God for advice and guidance when you are faced with a difficult decision, but what do you do when there is no answer?  I have been praying about the same question for 6 years now, and when no answer came the first time, I had to make the best decision I knew how to make.  I continue to pray for guidance, and I still don’t know what to do, even though the same problem exists and has shown no signs of alleviation.  I’m not trying to say that God doesn’t answer prayers, I’m asking what do you do when the problem that has been the subject of your prayers for years is reaching a head, and cannot continue on the same path without dire consequences for an innocent bystander?

I understand that if there is anything in your life that may cause you to be less of a Christian you are supposed to get rid of it, but what if that something is also something that the Bible says you should never get rid of?  I know I am talking in secret Bible code, and hopefully those of you that are well-versed in the Bible will understand what I’m talking about here. 

What should I do if change is forced upon me?  What if I think change is the best solution, but God hasn’t given me the go-ahead?  What if I never get the answer from Him, but instead continue to live in a desperate situation?  I need someone to tell me what to do, and tell me it will be okay in the long run.  I just don’t think I can continue under these circumstances.

A time to heal.

“The world is changing, and we must change with it.”

-President Barack Obama

“We’re doing it the Jack Butler way!”

It’s happening again.  I decide to get a little more serious about my writing, start looking around at literary magazines currently accepting submissions, and I start writing poems in my head that I think would meet the standard they are looking for.  FAIL.  See, every literary magazine has a certain voice they are trying to put out there.  Some like edgy and experimental, some like natural stream-of-consciousness, some just want to SHOCK! and AWE!  It does a writer no good to send out their work to a magazine that clearly has no interest in publishing that writer’s style.  Better to spend your energy and postage on a letter to your mom.  Maybe she’ll use the SASE to send you an encouraging note and some money.

Anyway, I’ve been flipping through some of my work and it seems to me that it isn’t total crap.  I mean, it needs some work, for sure, but I can hear a voice starting to emerge.  I’m not sure if I should go back and rewrite the ones that are a little off, the ones that have a good message but no indication of my voice, or if I should leave them alone and use them as tools to remember how much I’ve grown.  I suppose I could make the edits and still keep copies of the originals, but it doesn’t seem right to change their essential being.  It almost seems like I am trying to make them something they’re not.  They are meager little poems, not very well-written, but they are an indication of what I can be.

I’ve been thinking about Cocoa a lot.  I still feel so much grief over his death, and a good amount of guilt.  I am so mad at myself for not recognizing how bad off he was, then not being able to afford the vet treatment that he would have needed to save his life.  I knew all along that something just wasn’t right, and I knew that Himalayans are infamous for never complaining and never letting their owners know they are sick.  I knew when I got him that I would have to keep a quick eye on him to be sure he wasn’t ill and just not letting anyone know.  I feel like I let other issues cloud my judgement and they cost my cat his life.  I don’t think I will ever be able to have another pet.  If hubby and son want to have a dog, or whatever, that is all them.  I just don’t think I can open my heart to that kind of responsibility.

What does any of this have to do with change, the NaBloPoMo theme?  What part of this post isn’t about change?  Something’s moving; something’s stirring in me like the first green petals peeking out of dried up winter leaf piles.

Change.

The NaBloPoMo topic of the month is “change.”  I don’t like change.  At all.  I enjoy the status quot, scheduling my life to the 15 minute increment, and ensuring there are little to no surprises.  I plan menus a week or two in advance and stick to them.  I know exactly where I’m going to be every second of every day. 

There are drawbacks to this; however, and the biggest one is how incredibly boring my life is.  There’s a reason I know where I’m going to be: it’s because I’m either at work or home!  All the time!  Hooray!  My exciting life.  Do we need change to be exciting?  Should we even pursue exciting?  Maybe it’s better to be a little boring, maybe there’s some security there that we crave.  I don’t think that’s bad…I mean, we should enjoy our life, and if that means being a homebody then so be it. 

I think the only time we run into trouble is when we endure the bad just so we can keep the good.  Should a woman stay with a man who hits her just because he makes her laugh?  Should a man stay at a job that gives him ulcers just because he can afford a better car?  ( I almost typed cat in there…that would have been so funny.)  When does change go beyond desirable and become necessary?