Missing.

Every character needs an out.  You have to give the character a way out of the story in case the story doesn’t work for the character anymore.  You might rely on a single line, stated 300 pages back, and the reader says, Oh yeah, now I understand that line.  You can’t just kill them all off.

Tonight I’m watching the Phils on tv.  I’m drinking a beer.  I have the patio door open, and I am (gasp) smoking a cigarette.  Don’t worry, I don’t have any little lungs around, and I’m properly ventilating.

I feel like my ex husband should be sitting in the blue chair.  I miss having someone to high five when they completely destroy an inning with three home runs in a row.

I don’t miss my ex husband.

I’m not sad that he’s not here.

I love this life I have crafted for myself, but sometimes I think there should be another voice in this house.

Already Behind

I’m already 2 poems behind on my goal of a poem a day, so let’s redefine the goal.  Let’s reach for 30 poems within the month of April.  Let’s call it necessary flexibility.

Poem A Day 1 of 30

That house is haunted.

That house is (not) haunted I am haunted.

I am haunted everytime we drive by that house

And I have to hear the story.

The woman was burned alive

Who was a member of the volunteer fire company

And had no smoke detectors.

I am haunted by this story because

I feel this pit smaller than a cherry sitting in my gut

And it whispers to me You are missing a smoke detector and everyone will say

where am I missing a smoke detector?

But she was (This) or (That)

what if I don’t hear the sirens telling me to get the fuck out?

And how could she, knowing all that she knew about (This) or (That),

Get burned alive by it?

Reason to believe.

I’ve been in and out of pretty hardcore therapy for most of my adult life, and probably should have started even sooner.  After I had Stephen I was struggling with post-partum depression (fatal when suffered by someone who already has a history of clinical depression) and anxiety disorder complicated further by my ex losing his job and getting deeper in the bottle.  It was bad.  Big bad, so I made my merry way back to therapy to get a little perspective. 

In previous sessions I had discussed my Doomsday theories (linked directly to my Pilgrim Holiness upbringing), and how these theories had convinced me that life was probably the greatest punishment anyone could ever receive, especially if life placed them in a generation that was sure to see the wrath of God visited on them and their young.  Whenever my depression rears its head, the Doomsday fears start up again.  When I have nothing else in my life to make me crazy, I know I can depend on my Doomsday fears to send me over the edge.

So when I returned to therapy in 2007, most of my concerns were revolving around 2012/2013.  Obviously, I wasn’t all that worried about the actual things in my life that could be making me feel so bad…the hormones, the exhaustion, the chronic loneliness that had pervaded every hour of every day.  Nah, I was worried about December 21, 2012, and the potential of being blasted by an asteroid.  I had waking nightmares of the three of us in a vehicle, trying to escape in a panicked mass of screaming people, Stephen crying in the backseat.  Nightmares of me holding him, unable to protect him from the destruction, and trying to make our deaths easier for him.  Knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to be brave. 

We worked through it, my therapist and I.  We examined the real problems and some ways I could start feeling better.  Learning to understand what I needed to make my days easier.  Learning how to get some sleep.  Learning how to make friends with whom I could be my true self.  (Knitting friends, I am looking squarely at you right now.)  As I worked through the problems, some good things and some really shitty things happened, but they all happened because I needed them to, and because I made the conscious choice to Get Better.

Did you know an asteroid was going to come this close today?  I did.  You see, when you have these problems you study up on everything that could happen.  You learn it better than you learned spelling words in elementary school.  I knew all about it over 5 years ago.

As my life turned in a brighter direction, I faced the upcoming potentials for tragedy in a different light.  I didn’t know what the future held, but I did know how to think logically, and I knew how to recognize when I was allowing myself to get close to that precipice.

December 21 passed without a hitch.  I remember waking up several times that night, most likely because my terror over that date was still ingrained in my psyche despite my highly effective therapy, but for the most part I was good.  Then a couple days later it was announced that the trajectory of the asteroid was good, and it was just going to glide right by.  What a great Christmas present.

I don’t know where this leaves me.  At this moment I’m sitting and writing instead of dying a tragic death.  I think this makes today a pretty damn good day, and I’m going to celebrate with a beer. 

What are you going to do with today, and with the rest of this gift of life that we have been so graciously granted?

Bill.

Tonight I went to a viewing for a friend’s dad. He passed away from cancer earlier this week, and my friend has been on my mind all week long. My dad and I are tight; we could talk on the phone every single day and sometimes we do. If I go too many days without a phone call, it’s all I can think about until we can get in touch. I wonder, what happens when my dad passes? I know it would take about two or three days before I would start jonesing for that phone call, and then what? Shit, I’m a real downer tonight.

Speaking of happiness and joy, I started taking 5-HTP. I heard it can enhance mood and level out mood swings. I’m not shy about my battles with depression, and sometimes I start to feel a bit blue, so I do everything I can to keep things even stevens. I don’t know what to expect from this supplement, but it would be nice to go a few months without wondering if I will be having trouble or not. We’ll see, and I’ll keep you posted.

This weekend is all about taking it easy for me. I plan on doing my housekeeping as early Saturday morning as possible without waking my neighbors to the sound of the vacuum cleaner, then I’m going to knit, read, watch TV, and hopefully see some friends, too.